


Conversations at 3a.m.

by Ensardens



Series: Season 12 Fics [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Light Angst, Post-Episode: s12e03 The Foundry, References to Depression, only because canon negated a bit of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 14:27:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8493391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ensardens/pseuds/Ensardens
Summary: After Mary leaves, Sam calls Castiel. It turns out, they both really needed it. Between the return and prompt exit of a parent each never got a chance to know and the constant reminder that Lucifer is still out there, they have a lot to get off their chests.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is late and some has been negated by canon, but here's my attempt at a 12x03 coda. Super self-indulgent, but hopefully someone enjoys it.
> 
> As always, feel free to comment and let me know what you think! My tumblr is izanablr.tumblr.com or seraphink.tumblr.com (which is my writing blog), so you can reach me there if you'd rather comment that way.

Castiel had been driving for several hours when his phone began to ring. It startled him out of his thoughts, making him realize how tightly he’d been gripping the steering wheel. He took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly and relaxing as best he could, then pulled off the road. He took his phone out of his coat pocket and wrinkled his brow in confusion when he saw who was calling, wondering what Sam could need so late at night.

“Hello?”

“You knew she was gonna leave, didn’t you?”

Sam’s voice didn’t sound accusatory, just tired. Castiel paused, giving himself a moment to prepare an answer that hopefully wouldn’t hurt. He’d rather make this conversation as painless as possible for him.

“I… didn’t know for sure – but I suspected that she might need to,” he said slowly.

Sam laughed humorlessly, and Castiel could imagine him shaking his head as he did so.

“How did you know?”

“She was up late, and we talked. I got the feeling that she feels out of place, and not just in the temporal sense.”

“…”

“Are you okay, Sam?”

Castiel heard his friend sigh. “Yeah. No. I don’t know. I just – I spent so long wondering what she’d be like… Well, I mean, I knew a little of what she was like thanks to time travel, but she didn’t really know me. And that shouldn’t really make a difference but it does. And I had this _idea_ of her for so long, but I never really got to _know_ her, and now she’s back and real, and I thought that _maybe_ since I hadn’t had time to know her as her son that I had the distance to sort of… help her out, you know? I kept telling Dean that we needed to focus on what she was feeling, and I tried to and thought it was a good idea, but now…”

“You’re worried you were too overwhelming?”

“Yeah, kinda. I mean, I – I had thought that I was giving her enough space. And I know her decision wasn’t made to hurt us – I do know that – but I can’t help wondering how I missed it? Like, how the hell did _you_ get it, but not me?”

Castiel rolled his eyes, an amused smile tugging at the corners of his lips despite himself. “Believe it or not, I do understand _some_ things, Sam.”

Sam snorted, answering, “Yeah, I know you do, Cas.” He could hear the smile in Sam’s voice, and he felt a rush of warmth at the thought that he’d brought a bit of amusement in an otherwise troubling time. But the feeling passed quickly as Sam continued speaking.

“I’m just saying, I should have known, okay? I should have known that she would have trouble with two strangers older than she is calling her ‘mom’ all the time, and I should have known that being plucked out of Heaven like that would be too difficult to deal with on top of it.  And the worst part is, I think I kinda did, I just didn’t want to admit it. I wanted her to be my mom, and I forgot what that might mean for her. It’s no wonder she left, really.”

“Sam, she’s not gone forever. She can always come back,” Castiel replied carefully.

“I know, I know. I’m just worried I made it harder for her than it had to be.”

“Well, I highly doubt it, but even if you did, I think it might be forgivable.”

“Oh, it might be?”

“Possibly. I never know with you humans.”

Castiel heard Sam huff as his own mouth quirked upwards and wondered whether Sam was rolling his eyes or not. He expected the conversation to end here, for Sam to give him a goodbye and try to get some rest, but Sam didn’t speak for a beat.

“Was there something else you needed, Sam?”

“Yeah, I was just wondering…”

Castiel narrowed his eyes in confusion when Sam didn’t continue. “You were just wondering what?”

That only got him several half started sentences. Castiel bit back a sigh, a little nervous about whatever was causing Sam of all people to have trouble communicating his thoughts. He continued speaking as gently as possible.

“Sam, whatever it is, just tell me.” Okay, so maybe he didn’t exactly have the patience for gentle right now. A few days with the King of Hell will do that to a person.

“How did you deal with God coming back and leaving again so suddenly?”

“What?” Castiel asked, startled. Of all the things Sam could have mentioned, this one was rather unexpected.

Sam seemed to have recovered his ability to express himself, but Castiel really wished he hadn’t, because Sam continued, “Well, I mean, He’s your father, right? All those years you weren’t even sure if he was alive or around or whatever, and then He shows up and leaves again? I guess I’m just wondering how you’re dealing with that?”

Castiel froze. He wasn’t entirely sure how to address Sam’s question, and the anger that was simmering in his stomach was making it a bit difficult to speak.

“Cas? You don’t have to answer, I just thought – “

“No, Sam. It’s fine. The situations aren’t comparable, though. Chuck isn’t really my father,” he replied, voice clipped.

“What? But you’ve said – “

“I was exaggerating. I got caught up in human emotions and tried to apply them to celestial relationships. But I was wrong.”

“Cas, what are you even talking about?”

Frustration welled up alongside the anger. Castiel huffed out impatiently, “What part are you not understanding, Sam? I _serve_ God. I’m His _soldier_. Not His _son_. He made that very clear.”

“Are you sure? Because he was acting pretty fatherly to Lucifer.”

A bitter laugh forced its way out of Castiel’s throat. “Lucifer is an archangel, created before anything else, as far as I can tell. Of course Chuck is fairly partial to him. I’m just a Seraph. I was created to protect and fight for His creations, nothing more. Somewhere along the line, I let myself forget that.”

“Yeah, but there was a time when you _did_ think it, and suddenly deciding that it’s not true now doesn’t erase what you felt then. So even if you’re right about only being a soldier to Chuck – which I don’t believe, by the way, and I don’t think you really do either – those emotions don’t just go away. You’re allowed to be upset that he didn’t live up to what you expected… you know that, right?”

“Does it really matter?”

“ _Of course_ it matters, Cas! Why would you think that it doesn’t?”

A dozen different thoughts came to mind, each nastier than the last, but the only thing Castiel could bite out was, “He didn’t even say hello.”

“Oh. He – He didn’t? I’d thought – well, I mean, I guess I just assumed – did he really not say anything to you the whole time?”

“No.”

“I – I’m sorry, Cas. I was so caught up in everything that was happening, I didn’t even notice. Do you… wanna talk about it?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know.”

“Okay. Well, when you want to, I’m just a phone call away, okay?”

The breath that Castiel released came out shakier than he’d anticipated. He replied weakly, “I thought we were talking about your problems.”

“I think sometimes we both need to blow off some steam… without blowing off monster heads in the process,” Sam said, and there was that smile in his voice again, easing a little bit of the tightness in Castiel’s chest.

“Sam?”

“Yeah, Cas?”

“Did you actually call me for you, or was it all a ploy to get me to admit to wanting to talk to someone?”

“Did it work?”

“…Maybe.”

Sam laughed. “Well, if I’m going to be completely honest, I kinda wanted to commiserate with someone who isn’t locked away in another room right now.”

“How is Dean?”

Sam sighed. “He’ll be alright.”

Castiel felt a pang of guilt. The Winchesters could definitely do with some company, even if said company was only him, and he felt bad for not being there. He reminded himself that he had a mission, trying to ignore the niggling reminder of the last time he’d worked with a demon for the greater good. Besides, he was even more worried about the state he might find himself in again if he didn’t have something to focus on, especially with memories of possession by his least favorite archangel fresh in his mind.

 Unbeknownst of his inner turmoil, Sam had continued speaking. “…And when I see Mom again, I don’t wanna dump all this on her, you know? Besides, I figured after a few days alone hunting Lucifer, you’d appreciate the company.”

“Uh. About that.”

“What’s going on?”

Castiel sighed, deciding to just bite the bullet. “I’m working with Crowley and Rowena to find Lucifer.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I don’t know what else you want me to say.”

“You’re… not upset?”

“Why would I be upset? Both Dean and I’ve worked with them recently, and if it’s to stop Lucifer, it makes sense to team up with one of the only people who can put him back in the cage.”

“So… you’re not concerned, given, uh, history?”

“I know it was only a few years ago, but a lot’s changed since then. We trust you, Cas.”

Tension he hadn’t even realized he’d been feeling bled out of him, and he slumped back against his seat. “Thank you, Sam.”

“There’s no need to thank me. You’ve earned our trust, at the very least.”

“Still.”

Castiel heard shuffling on Sam’s end. “Well, uh, it’s 3a.m. here, so I should probably try to sleep.”

“Just one more thing, Sam. You really shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Mary’s decision wasn’t about you. Or Dean.”

“Um. Thanks?”

Castiel rolled his eyes again. “What I _meant_ is that you couldn’t have done anything to change her mind. Sometimes people have to leave, even if they don’t always want to, just because it’s what they need. It doesn’t mean you did a bad job at being there for them.”

“…Yeah, I get what you’re saying. Thanks.”

“Your mother does love you both. I may have only just started understanding human emotions, but I understand enough to know that.”

“Thanks, Cas.” Then, “Are human emotions really that different from angelic emotions?”

“Honestly?”

“Yeah?”

“Not really. I just thought so when I became human because it all felt so terrifying and new. And everyone’s been so willing to accept it as fact that I’ve been a little too embarrassed to correct myself since then.”

Sam chuckled, replying, “Good to know.”

Castiel smiled, realizing that for the first time in a very long time, he felt… good. He leaned his head back against the headrest, an overwhelming surge of affection for Sam causing his chest to swell, and oh, he so desperately wished this could last longer. Sam could sometimes make him feel so at ease; he ached to think that after this he’d be dealing with Crowley for the foreseeable future. But it was nice to be thought of, especially when Sam was dealing with other things and had every excuse not to think of him. At least he had this moment to hold on to.  

“I miss you, Sam. You and Dean,” he heard himself say.

A soft exhale came through the speaker, and Castiel realized that given he had only left them a few days prior, it might sound a bit odd, but before he could bring himself to regret speaking his thoughts aloud, he heard, “We miss you, too.”

His smile grew, and he spoke again softly, not wanting to shatter what he suspected would be one of the few good moments he’d have for quite some time.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Cas.”

 

 


End file.
